Listening In Conflict

I wish I could say that I am an excellent listener and always pay attention to others but I'm not. I constantly zone out when people are talking to me and start to focus on my own concerns. A very bad communication habit that I intend to break. I've mentioned this before in some of my previous communication classes that my roommate once asked me to make a percentage of how much I really listen to her when she rants and my answer was a honest 70%. During serious conversations I am the best listener there is but as soon as someone starts to rant about random topics is when my listening skills deteriorate. In this chapter wen learn how to personalize conversations by using statements such as "I feel" or "I think", in order to let the other person know we are involved and listening. As the book states listening is a desire to pay attention and being open to others opinions. It is crucial to be able to truly sit down and listen in order to be a good communicator especially in a conflict situation.

Stopping Conflict

In stopping conflict I think it always depends on the situation and type of conflict. But my personal opinion based on past experience is even if you stop conflict mid argument the individuals emotions towards each other will still be there. Not often do they say OK lets now talk about it calmly. In reality when you stop the conflict they will both just walk away with nothing resolved. Especially if you are the third party trying to mediate between the two individuals the STLC model seems practical to you but not necessarily to those involved. This opinion of course is just based on the conflicts I have experienced in life and never once have I seen a broken up conflict result in positivity.

Mostly the only conflict I experience with me involved is between me and my boyfriend. We never yell at each other but approach any conflict using the STLC model of stopping, thinking, listening, and communicating in order to avoid an escalation of conflict. I think this is model is a perfect way to communicate conflict.

Good Mediators

This chapter was very familiar to me as I grew up around the law. My father is a lawyer, as well as my sister and my mother a court reporter, so I was very familiar with the terms mediator and arbitrator. And I have seen just how big of a role a mediator can play in settling conflict. I feel what makes communication majors perfect mediators is as we approach the situation unbiased. Unlike my father, who says that sometimes going into certain conflict situations it is hard for him to be a mediator as he cannot always withhold his bias opinion. Though he is able to encourage communication, and promote open communication it is hard for him to remain neutral. As a communications major we are taught to understand both sides in order to maintain that since of neutrality and encourage proper communication between both parties to produce a civil outcome.

"Gunny-Sacking"

In choosing the concept from the reading I try to choose one where in which I relate to or am most intrigued by, and this week that concept was "gunny-sacking". This concept caught my attention because it is a term I have never heard before in any of my communication classes. The book suggests that people may want to assert themselves more often throughout conflict in order to avoid gunny-sacking. Gunny-sacking is when one chooses to continually be passive during conflict and in doing so they store up anger and hurt. But eventually all the anger and frustration builds up until the person explodes into an emotional outburst. So many times have I personally heard people say as the book quotes, "If only he said something. I never knew there was a problem." Being more assertive and expressing your emotions beforehand can help save drifting relationships before gunny sacking-occurs.

The Relationship- Centered Orientation

After reading chapter 3,  I found the Relationship-Centered Orientation most meaningful. The reason is because i have been involved in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. As a result, we both have had to learn when to speak for one's interests, concerns and feelings. Through experience we have learned  to stand up for our personal rights when we don't feel comfortable with the way the other is orienting the situation.  I am satisfied with the outcome of conflicts when  i act on this orientation. Since assertive communication is the  middle ground between non assertiveness we both like to be listened to and taken seriously and being able to say no without feeling guilty. An argument in which both sides are respected and understood is the most practical type of conflict in my opinion and I see the relationship centered orientation form of conflict to be most practical. I do not necessarily see an exception to these rules but as I've spoken about before conflict erupts from emotions and sometimes people's emotions can get the best of them so it is understandable why some would not want to follow this particular orientation.

Punishment or Abuse??

As I child when I behaved badly I would get a "spanking" for it. I was terrified of her black belt and swore I would never spank my child as a punishment. I made this statement when I was around the age of nine but since then I have realized her way of punishing me has had a positive impact on my life and I plan to raise my children the same way. But this is not the case for everyone. Two of my roommates constantly talk of how they will never beat there children and for good reason as they came from abusive homes. There is a fine line between discipline and abuse but in my opinion strict discipline can have a positive impact on a child. I think discipline crosses the line into abuse as soon as that child fills fear, and a lack of love. When the authority over them has taken his or her control to their advantage and has no reason for disciplining their child and has no care for their safety and feelings. As I have heard stories from my roommates they were constantly in fear of those that abused them, and the feeling of anger and hatred was mutual between them. Honest and loving parents will know as soon as that line has been crossed and their actions afterwards decide the case. For example one of my teachers this semester told our class how she would spank her child but after one incident she felt she spanked him to hard. So she called child services on herself to inform them and sat down to talk to her son afterwards. Those parents who abuse their power with no remorse, no love, and no care in the world are the ones who abuse their children.

Confrontation Avoidance Cycle

The topic I found most interesting this week was the Confrontation Avoidance Cycle. I found this interesting as it addresses the fact that we assume confrontation is negative or a bad thing when in fact our book states that, "the truth is that both excessive conflict and excessive harmony are abnormal." This obviously suggests a healthy balance between the two and implies some conflict is necessary in relationships and does not always result in negativity but yet a better understanding. My friend always tend to see conflict as a negative and so she doesn't necessarily try to avoid the problem, but rather she tries to  forget about it entirely. Neither of which are proper ways to handle conflict. She never truly forgets so the problem still lingers in the back of her mind and she builds up such anger towards a person that she eventually blows up on the person and verbally attacks them. We just use the excuse that she is temperamental but truthfully it is because she follows the confrontation avoidance cycle.  
              
                    *Cristina*

Non Process View of Communication

The book reveals six steps as a key to effective conflict management . But as we may have experienced personally during an altercation practicality and reason are quite often tossed aside and the proper processes to effective communication becomes becomes askew. 

I personally find that following the processes handed out by the book is undoubtedly the most reasonable way to approach conflict. When one does not have a proper control over there emotions is when that whole process is thrown out the window. As a child you don't have that proper control of your emotions so your first thought is not to say "we need to talk" as the book suggests but rather to explode on the person. But as I grew older in my opinion I tend to follow the process of communication in all my relationships. As I stated in my last post I personally don't enjoy conflict and with my personality I never enjoy being angry and harboring emotions. I have matured into using this process of communication in my relationships as it provides the best outcome so both individual's opinions are spoken and no one is left feeling as if they were verbally attacked or misunderstood.

As my fault I do tend to still see my point of view as the right one at the end of conflict. So I change my thinking by taking more time to learn the others point of view and trying to understand it instead of just nodding with a false understanding. I change this just by focusing on their argument and learning patience and awareness of why they think that way.  

Conflict in Humans

In reading this chapter I felt as if my thoughts were conflicted as to whether conflict is an inborn trait or not. As I began to really reflect on the topic I personally don't belief it is an inborn trait. But we are born with certain emotions that if targeted create conflict. As an infant we know nothing of conflict nor do we know much of anything at all but it is something that is learned. As we develop our emotions we learn how conflict arises and I don't think it is a natural born trait. As an innate characteristic I believe it is important in us in order to express emotions and it eventually becomes instinctive. Once we develop those emotions we instinctively result to conflict once feeling threatened and defensive. I know personally I never feel the need for conflict to arise because I simply don't like it. Is there instances where it does yes but I do not believe that is enough reason to state that we are born with and instinct for conflict.
                   
                                   *Cristina*

Introduction

Hey guys,
   My name is Cristina Jenkins, my friends call me xmas hence the reason for the name of my blog. I took a class like this last semester and thought creating a blog was sort of weird but I've learned its a fun way to conduct an online class. I am a Junior at San Jose State of course and am a Communications major. I'm from San Diego and love going back to visit. I work here at Valley Fair mall at Victoria's Secret and I love my job. I love keeping myself busy whether that be with work, school, or family. I'm a very energetic and positive person who loves the everyday normal activities such as spending time with family, shopping, going out or to the beach, and just having fun. I rarely experience stress, anger or any other negative emotion so I am constantly being described as the happiest person. And I just got a puppy this semester which has made me even happier. I'm excited to start of a new semester with new goals and hope to succeed in everyone of them.
           *Cristina*